


Don't Hold Your Breath

by Emme2589



Series: A Trio of Heroes [5]
Category: Henry Stickmin Series (Video Games)
Genre: Ambiguous Morality, Anxiety Attacks, Anxiety Disorder, Blood and Violence, Character Death, Denial, Depression, Emotional Hurt, Emotional Repression, Fertility/Baby Talk, Fluff, Heavy Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Innuendo, Mental Breakdown, Mental Health Issues, Multi, Murder, Polyamory, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Repressed Memories, Romance, Romantic Fluff, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Hatred, Suicidal Ideation, Trans Male Character, Unresolved Emotional Tension, henry commits a crime but what else is new, or close to it, slight Codependency Issues
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-12
Updated: 2020-12-12
Packaged: 2021-03-11 00:01:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,483
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28025928
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Emme2589/pseuds/Emme2589
Summary: Because we all know that "Happily Ever After" isn't really the end of the story.
Relationships: Charles Calvin/Ellie Rose, Charles Calvin/Ellie Rose/Henry Stickmin, Charles Calvin/Henry Stickmin, Henry Stickmin/Ellie Rose
Series: A Trio of Heroes [5]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1971646
Comments: 5
Kudos: 48





	Don't Hold Your Breath

**Author's Note:**

> I originally wrote this immediately after _A Child Lost, A Villain Killed_ , but I was unsure about posting it, even though it was finished. Of course, since you're reading this, you know I ultimately changed my mind.
> 
> Just keep in mind; I've made allusions to Charles being trans before, but this is the first time in this series where it's relevent to the plot. I tried my best to be as respectful as I possibly could considering the subject matter, but just in case the subject is a touchy one for some readers out there, heed the "Fertility/Baby Talk" tag and consider that your warning; Characters talk about having kids.
> 
> With that out of the way, I hope you enjoy this weird epilogue in the _"I Fixed Valiant Hero And Made It Polythreat"_ saga.

Svensson scratched another tally mark into the concrete wall of his prison cell. He was used to rambling anyone's ears off who bothered to listen, but he'd been alone for twelve hours now. Yeesh. How annoying. The next time he saw that stupid Henry Stickmin-!

"Hello, Svensson."

"Ah! It's you!" Svensson grabbed the bars of the cage.

I smirked, both hands in my pockets, "Don't bother. There's nothing you can do to me from there."

"What do you want?" Svensson pushed against the bars, "Are you going to gloat? Rub my defeat in my face!?"

"No. I'm not that petty. Although, the offer is tempting..." I shook my head, retrieving the gun from my belt, "Ellry may have spared you. They thought you weren't worth killing, that there was too much bloodshed already, but I've been having nightmares of your escape. I let Dolche live, and because of that, I almost lost everything I ever cared about."

"You took our ruby!" Svensson didn't seem at all perturbed by the gun I was pointing at his head, "You took our leaders! You're no better than us! You just put yourself on a high horse because you got overly attached to some government shills!"

"Maybe so." I replied, not affected in the slightest by his insults laced with venom, "Maybe I'll always be nothing more than a thief and a murderer, but I prefer that over the alternative."

"You're really going to kill me now!?" Svensson glared at me, tears in his soft blue eyes, "I'm already facing a lifetime prison sentence! What's the point in killing me!?"

"Simple." I pressed the barrel of the gun into his eye socket, feeling eerily calm despite the circumstances, "You could escape. You could get revenge just like Dolche did. You _almost_ did that, didn't you? You were close." my eyes narrowed, "I can't risk the lives of my beloved family anymore. I failed Charles, I failed Ellie, I failed the general and my aunt, the kid Lincoln...but I won't fail them now. I won't fail them ever again. I love them with all my heart and soul, and as long as _you_ are alive, _you_ are a risk to them."

Svensson's eyes finally snapped open as they flooded with fear, "I-I-I won't. I won't kill them! I swear! Even if I'm ever out of here, I won't hurt them! Don't kill me! Please don't-!"

I hit him hard enough to give him a black eye, and he cradled the injury, whimpering on the concrete floor as blood coated his hands.

"Don't beg. That's disgusting." I spit onto the floor, the anger in my chest roaring hot like a furnace, "Just accept your death with dignity. Hopefully, your maker will have mercy on your wretched soul."

"I won't let you kill me!" Svensson lifted his fists, "Come at me! I dare you!"

I shot his leg, and he screamed as it collapsed beneath him. It was bleeding badly. It wasn't my goal to torture the guy, so I used the stolen guard key to open the cell _(digital locks, obviously)_ and grabbed him by the shirt collar, the gun in my other hand.

"You're going to get worse." Svensson's bruised eye squeezed shut as he attempted to glare at me again, "If you resort to death every time somebody becomes a threat, then you will become numb to it overtime. You will excuse murder for increasingly petty reasons. One day, you might even kill someone who was better left alive."

My hand froze as the gun pressed into his chest. He did have a point. Killing Petrov was one thing, as he was an active threat at the time, but Svensson was in prison. Incapacitated. He couldn't even fight back against me.

"I know." I said, "It _is_ getting easier to kill, but I won't be able to sleep at night until I know for sure that you're no longer a threat. I can't risk anyone's safety again. If I lost them forever, I'll regret that way more than if I kill you."

And with that, I shot him through his chest and then through his eye, just to make sure the deed was done.

I dropped the gun and the key before leaving. My hands were shaking from the violent deed, my arms completely covered in blood.

_Did I go too far?_

Well, it was too late for regrets now. All I could do was move forward. I tried to think about how I would explain this to the general...and to my partners.

I felt a little slimy inside. Despite what I'd said to Svensson, I didn't want to be a murderer.

Okay. No more killing. I crossed my finger over my heart. I probably wouldn't need to kill anyone else anyway.

So, completely forgetting that my hands were bloody, I stuffed them in my pockets as I headed back up to the surface.

***

I knew I had to say something first.

Svensson's body would be found by morning. If I didn't say something first, anyone could have a case for me trying to hide what I'd done. I didn't want to do that. I needed to be honest if I wanted to keep anyone's trust.

I paced outside the apartment, my arms and hoodie still covered in Svensson's blood. I slid my key into the lock before I lifted my hand to the doorknob, but my fingers hadn't even touched it when a stab of fear knocked me back and I scratched my head, hopping in place to try and dispel the nervousness. I know I probably looked like a crazy person to the security guys watching through the hallway cameras. The longer I stayed out here, the longer I would have to overthink it, and the harder it would be to face them.

I shut my eyes, squeezing my hands into fists hard enough to hurt as my nails stabbed into my palms. Palms that were still sticky with blood. I began to feel a little nauseous.

Finally, I decided enough was enough. I marched right up to the door and pushed it open, not giving me any time to overthink my entrance.

I shut the door behind me before I dared open my eyes. Charles and Ellie were in the living room, watching TV on the couch. Upon my entrance, Charles picked up the remote to pause whatever they were watching.

"Henry? Is that you?"

I don't think they could see me. It was pretty dark, after all. So, as I swallowed the lump in my throat, I tried to make my voice loud enough to be clearly heard.

"Yeah, it's me. Can you guys come here for a minute? I have something really important to tell you."

Charles and Ellie looked at each other before they got up to turn the lights on, meeting me at the front door.

"Oh my god, is that blood!?" Charles took my arm, "Henry, what happened!?"

His concern made me feel even worse, "D-don't worry. Um, none of it's mine."

I stared at the floor as their eyes swept over me. I held my breath, too scared to see what they might be thinking about me.

"Henry..." Charles gently lifted my chin to meet his gaze, "Let's get you cleaned up."

I nodded, and he gently led me to the bathroom. Ellie pulled my hoodie off and turned on the cold water in the faucet, soaking it and gently rinsing the blood out of it while Charles picked up a washcloth, got it damp, and wiped my face with it, then my hands.

He pressed a kiss to the back of my hand, "Henry...please tell us what happened."

I felt my hands shaking in his grip. I don't know why, I didn't really regret what I had done, but I was so ashamed of what they might think. I saw Ellie sweep her gaze over me, looking for open wounds most likely. She was trying to be subtle, but I could see it.

Luckily _(or unluckily, depending on your perspective),_ before I'd even opened my mouth to speak, Charles' phone rang, and he quickly picked it up, "General?"

_"Charlie! Svensson's been murdered! I need you on base immediately! Bring Ellie and Henry if they're with you! Hurry!"_

His words made my lungs constrict. I couldn't breathe. Charles put the phone down. He looked...

He looked...hurt. The poor guy looked like he was about to cry.

"Henry...?" Charles touched my cheek, "This blood...is it Svensson's?"

I couldn't speak. Why did it suddenly hurt so much?

I forced in a breath of air, "Ch-Ch-Charles, I...please don't be mad at me. I couldn't sleep knowing he was still alive. I was scared and...no, I know there's no excuse! I just... _please don't hate me!"_

I said that last part so desperately. It was like someone had taken a sickle to my chest, tearing it open and exposing my soul to them. Raw and broken. Nothing but me. Not clouded by sticky fingers and experienced lies. A façade of a thief that I used to protect myself.

Before I knew it, there were arms around me.

"Henry, I could never hate you." Charles kissed my cheek, "Hush. It's okay. I'm a little shocked, and you probably shouldn't have done that, but I'm not leaving you over this. Hey, shhh. It's okay."

It was so hard to stop crying.

***

I could feel Galeforce's gaze boring holes into me.

As soon as we arrived, Charles explained that they had the culprit. No need to raise the alarm. That was the beginning of the end for me. He had the truth, and I was just awaiting my judgement as I sat in the chair in front of the general's desk.

"Henry..."

I didn't look up.

"Henry, why didn't you just talk to us?"

I flinched. Oops. In hindsight, that was probably a better idea.

"I...I didn't..." I began, my voice feeling scratchy, "...think of that. I just wanted him gone."

"Why?"

"Why do you think?" my vision blurred, "I see the explosion every night in my dreams. It haunts me. Torments me. If I lost them now, I..."

"But he wasn't a threat. He was arrested. Incapacitated."

"But what if he got out?"

I tried not to cry again. I really did.

I buried my face in my hands. This hurt. A lot. I knew Galeforce wouldn't react well, but I thought he'd at least _try_ to understand. Why did I think that? I've given him no reason to trust me. Of course he wouldn't trust me. I just killed someone in his care, right under his nose.

I felt someone's hand on my shoulder. I still didn't look up.

"Henry, what you've done is not only illegal, it makes us look bad. Svensson wasn't serving a life sentence, in fact his crimes were nothing compared to Reginald Copperbottom and his Right Hand Man. What do you suggest I tell the board? This is already headline news."

"I'm sorry, sir. I didn't mean to make such a mess for you, but I don't regret what I did. I know he could have killed Charles and Ellie given the chance, so I made sure it was a chance he'd never get."

"So you took his life in cold blood?"

I couldn't respond. My throat was constricted, not even allowing me to breathe.

"Henry, if you killed everyone who posed a threat to Charles and Ellie, you would wipe out half a continent."

"I know! But they're my whole world!"

I didn't look behind me to where I knew Charles and Ellie were standing. I couldn't face them. Not like this.

"Henry..." Galeforce let out a breath, "Price, cuff him."

I didn't fight it. Rupert pulled me to my feet, cuffing both wrists behind my back.

"You're under arrest for murder." Galeforce waved his arm, "Get him out of my sight."

I eyed him as Rupert guided me to the hallway, "You know I can just get myself out, right?"

He ignored that comment, but I saw the twitch of his brow.

I didn't look at Charles and Ellie as I was escorted away. I didn't need to see their disappointment. Once we were alone in the hallway, Rupert's grip on me loosened slightly.

"Sorry, mate." Rupert muttered in his distinct Australian accent, "It's nothing personal."

I shrugged, trying to shift my wrists in the cuffs so they wouldn't bruise later, "Dude...you're outta your mind if you think I'm blaming you for this."

***

The tenets in the neighboring apartment were fighting again. It's not like we want to eavesdrop, but we knew every detail of their lives without knowing their names or faces. They married right out of high school, and their marriage was now failing. They had five kids that they were juggling on top of housework and three jobs each. They sometimes gave us peace and quiet, but once whatever agreement they'd made came to an end, the arguments would start up again.

It really wasn't fair. The three of us hadn't been in the bedroom for anything but sleeping in three weeks because the new neighbors kept complaining that we were _"too loud",_ meanwhile, they were screaming at each other loud enough to make _my throat_ feel the phantom pain of the vocal power necessary. As soon as I got home and heard the screaming, I made eye contact with Charles and Ellie, both on the couch, and I could tell they were thinking the same thing as me.

Finally, I'd had enough. I took a huge, deep breath, shouting as loud as I possibly could, _"JESUS CHRIST, GUYS! GET A DIVORCE!"_

Silence. Absolute radio silence. The three of us began to laugh. I couldn't tell if the neighbors were angry or embarrassed, but for once on a weekend, they were dead silent.

_"YOUR KIDS DON'T NEED TO GROW UP IN A TOXIC ENVIRONMENT WHERE THEIR PARENTS ARE CONSTANTLY AT EACH OTHER'S THROATS! THEY DESERVE BETTER THAN THAT! GET A DIVORCE IF YOU HATE EACH OTHER SO MUCH! YOU'RE NOT HELPING ANYONE BY FIGHTING LIKE THIS, LEAST OF ALL ME, WHOM YOU'VE COCKBLOCKED FOR THE LAST-!"_

"Henry! Shut up!" Charles gasped out between giggles, "Their _kids_ could be listening!"

"Yeah, so!? Their two-year-old isn't gonna know what I'm talking about!"

Ellie was rolling on the ground at this point, clutching her stomach as she wheezed. It made my laughter return tenfold, and the three of us kept laughing until our sides hurt and we needed to breathe.

Well, the mood was ruined, but it didn't matter. I sat on the couch between them, and the three of us just focused on catching our breath.

"Ahhh..." I sighed, throwing my arms around my two partners, "Silence at last..."

They snuggled into me, and I gave each of them a peck on the forehead.

"Hey." Charles turned to Ellie across my chest, "Have you guys ever thought about having kids together?"

Ellie answered first, "I don't know. I never wanted to have kids because I'm afraid of being a bad mom, but I'm really more indifferent than anything."

"I've _always_ known I wanted to be a dad!" Charles smiled wide, "In fact, before my transition, I got my eggs frozen because I knew I'd need them later!"

"Oh yeah! You have eggs!" I said, "Sorry. I always forget."

"No worries!"

"Wouldn't it be more complicated if there's three of us?" Ellie sat up as she lost her smile, "Actually...even if there was just me and you, Henry...I can't carry a pregnancy to term."

"Oh." I tucked a hair off her face, "You can't?"

"No. It has to do with my poor history of health. A baby would put too much strain on my body, so it's too risky."

"That's fine!" Charles jumped up to comfort her, "We can get a surrogate!"

I hadn't been thinking about it before, but now that it was in my head, the gears were turning.

"Charles, what if _you_ carried the pregnancy?"

"What?" he stared blankly at me before his eyes widened, "Ooh. I didn't think of that."

His brow creased as he thought, and his expression went from thoughtful to uneasy until he was visibly uncomfortable.

"You don't have to." I touched his shoulder, "It was just an idea."

"Er, yeah. Right." he took another breath, his eyes brightening, "Oh! I know! There actually is a process where scientists can merge the genetic material from two eggs! So, if we get an egg from me and an egg from Ellie, mash those together, and then fertilize it with Henry's sperm, we could have a kid that's genetically related to all three of us!"

"Whoa!" Ellie pointed at him, "Now _there's_ an idea! Now we just need a surrogate mother!"

I smiled along with them until the reality of this conversation crashed into me and I felt a pit form in my stomach, "Wait a minute." I stood up, "Why are we talking about this? We can't have a kid now! We aren't in a position to give that kid a good life! We all have dangerous jobs, and we live in the bad part of town! I can't even _imagine..."_

I trailed off, feeling a lump in my throat.

"Henry..." Charles stood to meet my gaze, "You're not your father."

We'd had this conversation before. A million times, in fact. I hadn't had much time to think about this until recently, but at least since my early teens, I loved the idea of being a father, if only because I felt so bitter that me and my friends had such precarious lives riddled with poverty. I always knew they deserved better, and I couldn't help but feel lost and empty when I actually met someone who hadn't had such a harsh childhood. Two parents, good income, loved and cared for in more ways than one. Even those with only one parent still often had family networks or older friends who looked after them.

I was terrified. If I brought a kid into the world, and that kid grew up just as traumatized and messed-up as I was...

Well, in simple terms, I would never forgive myself.

"We're not doing this again." I had just enough control of my voice that miraculously, it didn't waver, "I'm going to bed. Feel free to join me whenever."

My head hit the pillow, and I watched the phantom lights dance on the back of my eyelids until the weight was too heavy to stay tense.

This was a conversation we'd had about a month ago. It wouldn't leave my mind. Of course, I escaped from my cell on base, and now I was on top of the tallest building in the city, looking down at the street far _far_ below. The city lights danced across my retinas, blotting out the stars so the world above me was a pitch-black void that continued into the darkness forever. My breath fogged up as the crisp night air sharpened with the wind. January was nearly over, so naturally, it was still cold out here in the middle of the night.

I thought about jumping. I thought about it way too many times. Every time I was up here, I thought about jumping. My head spun, and my knuckles turned bright white against the banister as I gripped it hard, both to anchor myself and to remind myself that I had too much to lose.

My front pocket buzzed, and I was grateful for the distraction.

❤ The Bold Action Man ❤:  
_Henry, where are you?_

I sighed, taking a huge breath of frosty air before replying.

Diamond Thief:  
_does it matter? im just in the city. b back in an hour or so_

❤ The Bold Action Man ❤:  
_Of course it matters. The general's gonna blow his lid when he gets back with the national institute reps and realizes you aren't there._

Diamond Thief:  
_really its not a big deal  
ill be back before you no it_

❤ The Bold Action Man ❤:  
_Henry.  
Come back now.  
Please._

I hit the phone against my forehead. Locking myself back in my cell was literally the last thing I wanted to do. As in; I would rather bury myself in an open grave filled with broken glass than put myself back into government custody. I scowled, grinding my teeth as I recalled the baby conversation again and again.

One thing that would never change about me was the fact that when I wanted something, I went after it with fierce determination, and I didn't give up until I had it. When I wanted something, absolutely nothing could tear me away from it, and the more I thought about this hypothetical child that would be mine as well as Charles' and Ellie's...I knew it would be a child I'd steal anything for. A child I'd give my life for without thinking twice.

That want made my chest twist so painfully, it was like someone was squeezing my rib cage in an ironclad grip. It hurt knowing I'd probably never get it.

I realized I hadn't responded to Charles yet, so I typed out a quick response before leaping to a lower rooftop to head back to base.

Diamond Thief:  
_youre lucky i like you so much, asshole_

❤ The Bold Action Man ❤:  
_Love you too, Hen. ;)_

***

I paced around my cell until the concrete turned discolored from the dirt on my shoes. I had even more time to think. Even more time to ruminate over everything and nothing. I could have been in there for a month, just trapped in a time loop of uncertainty, but finally, the general appeared, along with some important-looking people in suits and ties. My two partners were here too, and I saw Charles visibly deflate in relief when he saw me in my cell. He shot me a grateful smile, and I snarled at him, my teeth bared. Why was he so sweet without even trying!?

"Oh. He _is_ here." the woman in front with a black top knot and pencil skirt eyed me skeptically. I got the feeling she knew my criminal history _very_ well.

Galeforce also looked relieved to see me here, and it annoyed me to no end, "Well, he doesn't have much of an illegal reputation here. This is the first time I've had to discipline him since his pardon."

I tried not to meet anyone's eye. This is why I hate being incarcerated. People always scrutinize you with distrust or pity or, god forbid, _curiosity._ They wonder how someone could have ended up here, and thank their lucky stars they didn't take the same path in life. They act like you're not even human anymore.

I stuffed my hands in my pockets. I was wearing a blue turtleneck sweater today, so I could effectively hide my face in it just by tilting my head down.

"Stickmin."

I looked up at the woman. Her face softened in sympathy, a small smile gracing her features. It made my eyes widen in surprise. She had crow's feet and pronounced smile lines.

_Is...is this a trick?_

Her smile fell, "Is it true that you murdered Sven Svensson in his cell?"

I looked at the ground, my forehead pressed against the bars of the cage, "Yes."

"Why?"

I glanced up at Charles and Ellie. Ellie held my gaze, her hands twisting together over and over.

I took a long, slow breath, feeling suffocated by the concrete walls, "Because I was afraid."

"Afraid of what?"

"Afraid of losing _them."_

The woman glanced at the two special ops.

"Sven threatened them before his arrest. I let him live at first, but the last time I let someone off the hook, they tried to..."

My voice caught in my throat. Tears sprung in my eyes, spilling over against my will.

"I see..." the woman crossed her arms as she thought, "Well...Galeforce, would you like to press charges?"

Galeforce stood at ease, though a bit more stiffly than I was used to, "It's...up to me?"

"He _is_ the one who broke the law on _your_ base, and to be honest, we were worried about Svensson too. Henry could easily face a full charge for second-degree murder, but I don't think he's entirely sound of mind, and I don't believe that Svensson was entirely helpless either. It's up to you whether you think Henry should be charged."

I squeezed my eyes shut. I tried to tell myself that I didn't regret it, not now, but I could still feel Svensson's blood on my hands. I could still see his corpse on the back of my eyelids.

Finally, after what must have been an eternity and a half, Galeforce waved his hand, "I'd like to drop all charges."

I stared at him incredulously, and he chuckled gruffly.

"What? You thought I was gonna throw you back in prison?" he activated his earpiece, "Panpa, get the keys. Henry's been aquitted."

Dave appeared with the keycard by the time I snapped out of it, and I stumbled forward so Ellie could pull me into a hug.

"Alright. We're done here, then." the woman nodded, "Let's go."

***

I was still in a sort of half-asleep reverie as we hopped in Charles' car so he could drive us home. I sat on the couch at home, my head even more jumbled than before, when Charles' phone suddenly rang in the quiet space.

"Hang on a second. I gotta take this."

I think Ellie could tell I was ruminating. She had a sharp eye for things like that. I tried to ignore her, feigning anger in hopes that she'd get the hint and leave me alone.

"Really!? Thanks, Mom!" Charles excitedly jumped up and down as he blabbered into the phone, "You won't regret this, I promise! Yes, of course! You're the best! I love you too!"

Ellie looked over the couch at him, "Good news?"

"You bet!" Charles glanced at me, that sweet, warm smile on his face that drove me absolutely insane, "She's on board!"

"Awesome! This'll be awesome!" Ellie punched the air, "Now there's only one piece left."

Charles sat on my other side, but he hadn't even gotten comfortable before I stood up.

"Guys, is there something you're not telling me?"

Crud. My face was wet again, my vision blurry like a rainy window.

"Well...sort of." Ellie stood to face me, her head tilted down in an attempt to appear more docile, "We were going to tell you, we just weren't sure when. You see...we went ahead with the plan."

My eyebrow rose, _"'The Plan'?"_

"Yeah." Charles tenderly took my hand, "Remember when Ellie was in the hospital for a couple weeks? Well, that's when they took her eggs, and my mom called after seeing my email to tell me that she agreed to be a surrogate!"

"Now we just need your sperm, and everything will be ready!" Ellie hugged my arm, her cheek on my shoulder, "Don't feel pressured, though. We still have all the time in the world to figure this out."

My mind was reeling, to the point where I almost lost my balance and fell. Half of me was overjoyed, but the other half was screaming in anguish.

"Guys, I..." I trembled, tugging out of their embrace and staggering a few steps away, "I can't! Not now! I'm not ready!"

"That's okay, Hen!" Charles was still smiling, but I could see it cracking around the edges, "Eggs can be frozen for up to ten years, so we still have plenty of time. You can take all the time you need. You can even say no if you want. We can back out completely if that feels better to you."

I didn't know _what_ I was feeling, though. Sick? Dizzy? Light? Heavy? _Twisted...?_

"Henry?" Charles reached out slowly, "Are you okay? What's wrong? Please talk to me."

I stumbled as I headed for the front door. _Out out out out get out need out I need to get out I need to get-!_

_"Henry, wait!"_ Charles called after me, _"Are you going to run again?"_

I froze with my hand outstretched, reaching for the doorknob. Charles' voice had broken, wobbling dangerously like he was about to cry.

My body was trying to keep running, desperately _screaming_ to be freed like a bird in a sealed box, but my heart was trying to go back. I hated it when Charles' cried. I know he took my fleeing really personally, even though he shouldn't have. I knew if I left now, he would blame himself again, and that would hurt.

My chest was tight. I couldn't breathe.

"Henry." Ellie said gently, "Come here."

I let my hand fall to my side. What was this pain? I was familiar with it, but it had never been so strong. Whenever it came back, I would swallow it down. Pretend it didn't exist. It was so much easier to keep it contained, smile until the pain went away. It was so much easier than the _alternative._

I turned on my heel and walked back towards them, my head bowed and my arms folded tight to my chest. When I was right in front of them, I stopped, and Charles lifted his arms like he wanted to grab me, but then he retracted them, fiddling with the cuff on his jacket sleeve.

I mustered my voice, forcing the words out before I could lose this sudden burst of determined energy;

_"I'm not okay."_

Those three words hurt like razor blades as they came up, but it was true. I _wasn't_ okay. I hadn't been okay for a long time. As soon as I realized just how bad it was, my legs gave out from under me, and Charles and Ellie lunged forward to catch me.

"Come here, Hen." Charles held me tight, "It's okay. It's okay to not be okay. I've got you now. You're so brave."

_"I..."_ I shook violently, though their arms around me held me steady so I didn't hurt myself, _"I don't feel very brave..."_

"You are, though." Ellie buried her face in my neck, "Shhh. It takes a lot of bravery to admit you aren't okay. That's always the hardest part."

_"It hurts so much."_

"I know. I know you're not okay now, but you will be. It's okay, Hen. Just let it all out."

So...

I did.

I cried so much that Charles' white undershirt was soaked with tears by the end. It was such a relief to finally let all of this pain out. It hurt the whole way up, like the repression had caused it to dial up to extreme heights, like every sob was releasing the storm I'd contained within it. I could feel my nails digging into Charles' jacket until it tore, my throat so congested that I started coughing to breathe again, only to let out ever more desperate sobs. A shaken can of soda had finally been cracked open.

"You need to feel the pain to let it go." Charles explained, rubbing circles into my back, "My dad's a vet, you know. He saw firsthand how people reacted to losing loved ones in the line of fire. Sometimes they had nightmares so vivid, they woke up convinced the base was under attack. Some of them cried every day. Some of them used drugs to cope, or committed suicide. Some of them just had a short fuse, exploding in anger at the slightest inconvenience."

I finally had some semblance of control. I felt sluggish, apathetic, and dehydrated. I hiccuped occasionally, sinking under some invisible weight on my shoulders.

"Henry, I know we've had this conversation before..." Ellie pulled me away from Charles, softly wiping my eyes with her thumbs, "But you _need_ to seek help. _Professional_ help."

"No." I got a sour taste in my mouth, my chest spiking in fear, "I don't want to."

"Would you rather go through this for the rest of your life?"

I stared down at my hands, a little woozy.

_The rest of my life...?_

I imagined myself at 40 years old. I drop something, and the crash alerts the other two. The headache reminds me of the pain in my chest. I apologize, even as the broken object cuts my hands and brings blood to the surface.

I imagined myself at 60, retired and old. I feel the tears coming even as I'm being spoon fed something tasteless. I'm weak and scared, but I can't articulate what I'm feeling to anyone around me, falling into a pain that has become so ingrained in me that I can't imagine any other way of living.

I tried to remember what it was like to live without this pain, but I can't. My memories from before the airship mission have grown fuzzy. I have scars that I don't remember the source of. I have pictures in old cell phones that I don't remember taking. In every recent picture of me, even the candid ones, my smile never quite reaches my eyes. Even when I'm with my team, laughing so hard my stomach hurts, that pain is just...in the background. Like whitenoise.

What is the pain? Well, I focus on it for the first time in months, and...

_They're better off without you. You're nothing. You waste the oxygen you breathe. You don't deserve anything. They're just being nice, they don't really love you. Nobody does. They can't. There's nothing redeemable about you._

_You deserve to die._

I gasp in epiphany.

"That's it." my voice is hoarse, but it's mostly clear now. I wipe my nose on my sleeve.

"What's it?" Charles says.

"Did you figure it out?" Ellie says.

I took a huge breath of air, "Guys...let's talk. For real. _Run away with me."_

***

It made a surprising amount of sense, in hindsight. The familiarity of the small apartment was grating on me until the ceiling felt far too low. I just needed _out._ Luckily, it wasn't Charles or Ellie that made me feel so suffocated, so if they worried about me constantly when I was gone, the next logical step was to just take them with me.

So there we were, in the middle of the forest, miles and miles away from home, our cell phones turned off as we sat in a circle in the dirt, the sun slowly rising in the distance.

I rubbed my lips together, digging dirt out from under my nails while I tried to find the words.

Ellie took my hands, and I deliberately looked away from her, "Henry? Why did it take you so long to realize you weren't okay?"

I shrugged, "It didn't used to be this bad."

I've said that before. Saying it again made Charles visibly flinch.

"I just..." I snatched my hands away, "I love you two. I love you so much it hurts. I don't like feeling like a burden, like your kindness is being voided, but I can't help the way I feel. I'm _sick."_

In more ways than one, in fact. Sick as in I had an invisible illness. One that was shockingly easy to hide. One that existed in my brain alone. Sick as in sick of life. Sick of this pain. Sick and tired and done with all of this never-ending _bullshit._

I remember my mom's favorite book was about a kid being stuck in a storybook until he could finish every story he ever started, but he physically couldn't alone. He was out of wishes, and he'd started so many stories that he couldn't even finish them within several lifetimes. The only way he could get out was for the people to promise that they would finish every story for him.

Maybe I was like that boy. Maybe doing all of this alone would be impossible.

"Henry." Charles held his hand out to me, palm-up. An open invitation, "Your brain is lying to you. It has you convinced that you don't deserve basic respect or compassion, but what if it was me or Ellie saying that we didn't deserve you instead? How would that make you feel?"

I swallowed, slowly reaching for his hand before retracting my arm and resting my fists in my lap instead.

"I'd be sad, of course." I replied, "I would hardly be able to believe that not only had you come up with such a blatant lie, but that you somehow _believed_ it too. You guys are the best thing that ever happened to me, and I can't imagine what I'd do if I lost either one of you."

"Right! Exactly!" Charles kept his distance from me, certainly out of respect, but he kept his hand out, always reassuring, "You're so wonderful, Henry. In more ways than one. You're witty and clever, smart and resourceful, open-minded, charismatic, and you knew all of that at some point! I'm always astounded at your confidence when you essentially do nothing more than brute-force your way through a problem until it works! And it _does!"_

"Yeah! You made me realize that _'fake it til you make it'_ is a real thing!" Ellie added, her smile brighter than the sun as it glared off her bright red hair, "If there was an award for bullshitting your way to a solution, you'd win first place every time!"

I found myself smiling, and to my shock and relief, it came easily. My first real smile in at least a month.

"One of my old friends had a grandpa who was an artist, but he was absentminded and lost his supplies often. His motto in life was always, _'A crude solution is still a solution'._ Even if something doesn't work well, that's still better than leaving a problem unsolved. He ended up getting third place in a national contest because he lost his canvases and painted on an old plank of wood instead. He got a ribbon for most creative use of non-art supplies. When I'm in a life-or-death situation, I don't have time to come up with a perfect solution, so I just remember, hey, if Grigori is shocked by me pulling a face at him enough to drop Ellie, that's still better than if I had done nothing and let her get dragged back to The Wall. You see what I mean? As long as something works, that's all that really matters."

I was getting caught up in my explanation, and I could feel the exhaustion lifting off of me like the wind blowing on an overcast sky. The other two huddled closer to me, and Ellie caught my hand out of the air to place a kiss to my palm.

"That's my favorite thing about you, Hen." Ellie shot me a wink, "You know how to get shit done! If clever improv was a person, it'd be you!"

I felt my cheeks going slightly pink, "Heh. You flatter me, Ells."

"It's true though, isn't it?" Charles wrapped an arm around me, loose enough that I could easily pull away if I wanted to, "See? You have plenty of good qualities. I know it's sometimes hard to see them, but there's so much about you that still astonishes me. I remember the day we officially met, you were super quiet, almost shy even, but you warmed up to me. You trusted me. I got word that you died after you disappeared in Russia...and I think it made me realize how much you mean to me. When I saw you near that pub after chasing down a group of Toppats, I thought I was going to die of happiness! You were alive! I hadn't lost you after all! I...I think I could have kissed you right then and there..."

My heart melted when Charles' got all shy like this, "I would have let you."

He blushed, and it made me laugh.

"I remember when we officially met." Ellie leaned into me, reaching over my lap to take Charles' hand, "I already admired you for escaping from The Wall even though there hadn't been an incident in fifty years! I had a little bit of a starstruck moment because I couldn't believe I was meeting you in person, and then finding out you stole the Tunisian Diamond!? Any thief would _kill_ to have something like that under their belt! I was astonished that after all that, you jumped at the chance for a pardon and became a private investigator for the government! You're like, the coolest person I've ever known, and you decided to love _me!?_ I can hardly believe my luck some days!"

The voice in my head was quiet. It was speechless. Ellie was...a fan? Charles admired me from the start?

I tucked a stray hair behind Ellie's ear, then I held Charles' cheek beside his padded headphones.

"I love you, Henry." Charles said simply, "I always have for all these years."

"I love you too, Henry." Ellie cocked her head, "And I always will. For as long as I live."

My chest heaved. Charles had the slightest amount of stubble around his chin that I could feel when I stroked his cheek. He was so handsome. Ellie's eyes hit the sunlight, and they nearly glowed like drops of blood. She was so beautiful.

"Guys..." I let my smile fall, "I don't want to go to a doctor. I'm scared. I have a bad history with doctors. What if it's worse than I thought? What if they put me in a mental institution and I don't get to see you guys anymore?"

Charles shifted on his knees, hitting me with a patient smile, "At least you'll be in recovery. You'll have a real chance at getting better. We'll be with you every step of the way, and if it doesn't work? Well, then we can try something else. See a different doctor. Talk to specialists."

"We don't want you to keep suffering, Henry." Ellie trailed a few kisses up my wrist beneath the sleeve of my sweater, "You're everything to us. I know you're afraid of being forcefully separated from us again, but if that's what it takes for this pain to stop, then it'll be worth it, right?"

I certainly didn't want to keep breaking down on them like this.

"And...maybe now isn't the best time to ask this, but..." Charles touched my knee, "Do you want to be a father, Henry? Do you want to have a kid with us?"

I could tell how much they wanted a particular answer. Ellie had said before that she was ultimately indifferent to the prospect of children, but now she gazed at me with such an earth-shattering look of hope. Maybe her health problems had just not let her properly consider it, because now I could tell that Ellie was so excited to be a mom.

Meanwhile, Charles...well, what should I say here? His heart was made of warm dough baked with cinnamon, just enough to rise and turn golden brown. He probably didn't think he could be a father for a long time because he was trans, but he found a way, and his determination was so powerful it rivalled even my own.

I knew my answer. It was on the tip of my tongue. The image of a child in my mind with Ellie's red hair, Charles' murky hazel eyes that turned green right in the middle, smiling so wide their pupils sparkled with excitement.

I took a breath of air, and my two companions leaned forward eagerly.

"Yes." my smile returned, "I would love to have a kid with you guys."

"Yes!" Ellie covered her mouth as she laughed, "Wait, you're not just saying that, right? You really mean it?"

"Of course I do." I wrapped an arm around each of their shoulders, "But not right now. Maybe I'll be ready in a few months or a year or something, but not now."

"That's okay, Hen." Charles gave my hand a squeeze, "Take all the time you need. This is a big step, after all."

"Probably decide within the next ten years, though." Ellie stuck her tongue out at me, "I don't want to get my eggs taken again! It sucks!"

"You can say _that_ again!" Charles elbowed her, "Henry's lucky that all _he_ has to do is jack off!"

I snorted, my face turning beet-red.

"Just let us know when you're ready, and we'll walk you through it." Ellie bumped my cheek with her forehead, "Well? Where should we go now, big shot?"

I sat cross-legged, my hands resting on my ankles, "Let's just stay here for a bit. It's nice and quiet."

So?

We did.

And it was magnificent.

***

**Author's Note:**

> Come say hi to me on tumblr! marshemillow.tumblr.com


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